One thing I continuously notice with myself is that when I am spending too much time thinking about someone else, my own life suffers. I mean, this is only logic. Time spent thinking about someone else is time away from the only place you have true control over; your own life and when we lose control of ourselves, we leave ourselves open to psychological distortions.
This is especially true when it comes to dating and relationships. No good can come from thinking too much about somebody you are interested in. Trust me, I have been there myself. What’s worse is that often times, the individual we are spending so much time thinking about is generally unavailable and disinterested in us. Yet we continue to ruminate and obsess over them.
I wanted to delve into the importance of staying grounded in ourselves when dating. Moreover I wanted to share with you a little trick I learnt from books i read ,on what to do when we do notice our attention drift into questions along the lines of, “what are they doing”, “why aren’t they messaging me”, “why am I not good enough for them?” or one of the million other variations of such thoughts.
When we can learn to bring ourselves back to centre and realign ourselves with what is truly important in our lives, we take the power back. These questions we ruminate over are rooted in insecurity and self-doubt. Our answer searching is merely a tactic in comfort seeking.
Why Your Own Business Should Be Your Only Business
As I mentioned above, we have very little control over anything outside of our own lives. Byron Katie, an American self-help author, talks about there being 3 types of business in the world; the universe’s business, our neighbours business and our own business.
We truly only have control over our own business. Unexpected rain ruining our plans for a trip to the beach? That’s the universe’s business and it’s out of our control. Likewise, what someone else is choosing to think, feel or choose? Completely out of our control and not our business.
When we mistake our own business for someone else’s, that’s where things get complicated. Why that guy/girl isn’t texting you back or why he/she hasn’t made plans for a date despite the fact he seemed really keen when you last spoke? Not your business. When we try and make assumptions and judgements about what someone else is thinking or feeling about us, we lose sight of our worth. We view ourselves through the lens of someone else's potential judgments. Judgements for that matter, that we can never know.
None of this is to say you should never think about someone else. Of course, if you are dating somebody and they suddenly start acting up then you have a right to wonder about why that is. The issue is, and has been with me in the past, is that we can get ourselves stuck in ruminative patterns of obsessive thoughts which only serve to hinder us. Opening communication and confronting them on the issue serves us much better than endless ruminations about how unworthy we are.
If someone is choosing to not speak to you, ask you out on a date or show you the interest you deserve, that is their problem. Not yours. I spent so long basing my worth on the basis of what someone else might be thinking about me, it did nothing but negatively impact my life and self-esteem.
Turning Your Focus Back To Yourself
This simple trick is to help bring your attention back to the one person who matters, you. Each time you find yourself in someone's else's business i.e wondering what they are doing, why they haven’t contacted you or why they may have rejected you, catch yourself and bring the attention back to you.
Ask yourself, what are you doing right now that deserves your attention? What present moment are you ignoring while you spend too much time in other peoples business? What could you be doing right now to help better yourself rather than tearing yourself down with potentially inaccurate assumptions?
When we bring our attention back to ourselves we take the power back. We can ask the real questions. Why is it so easy for me to give so much attention to them and yet none to myself? Why am I so obsessed with wanting this guy/girl to like me when I can’t even begin to like myself? Maybe its time I start showing up for me the way I’d like someone else too.
Why Is It So Easy To Fall Into Someone Else’s Business?
Getting lost in other people’s business is a classic example of self-abandonment. It’s turning outwards for comfort when we can’t seek it in ourselves. It’s possible this was modelled for you as a child. To put your needs aside in order to satisfy your caregivers. When we have trouble staying in our own business its likely that we lack practice doing it in the first place. It’s a classic case of anxious attachment styles. For many, staying aligned to themselves and not allowing other people’s actions and potential assumptions disrupt their mental state is something entirely unfamiliar to them.
The difficulty in this is that paying attention to ourselves is the hard work. It’s easy to ruminate and think about why someone else isn’t giving you their time of day than to wonder why you can’t give it to yourself. Those questions run deeper and often having historical trauma attached to it. There is never not a good time to start putting yourself first, however. Once we can recognise that spending too much time in other people’s business only serves to hinder our own reality, it’s much easier to adjust the focus.
Why would I allow myself to be bothered by what someone else is choosing to do when I can control my own reality? When I can work on something that is fulfilling to me, see friends, and strive to feel better in myself? It’s a tumultuous experience allowing our moods and psychological state to be swayed by the actions of others, especially those we may not know that well, or have not dated long.
Bring mindfulness to your mental state throughout the day. How often is your gaze turning to what someone else is doing rather than your own? How often are you placing potentially misguided judgements onto situations? How often are you allowing that to dictate your mood? If you find yourself in this position, turn the focus back to you. Remind yourself you are moving out of your own business and into another’s.
Turn your focus from a “They” focus back to a “Me” focus.
Try to learn from the mistakes and Chase your dreams. Remember that
"WE LIVE ONLY ONCE"
Happy Learning !!!!
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